Menopause in the media, how to make friends with your body, and should we really all just shut up about menopause?
Menopause in the media, how to make friends with your body, and should we really all just shut up about menopause?
The women who say we're making too much fuss
Kia ora tatou. I hope you are all OK, safe, dry and well. It’s been quite the couple of weeks, hasn’t it? If you’ve been affected by the floods, I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine how it feels (I’m unaffected here in my apartment), but I’m thinking of you.
How to love a meno body
I’m getting really sick of seeing bogus programmes, diets and supplements promoted to ‘beat belly bloat’ and ‘shrink the meno belly’. It’s got a whole lot worse in my social media since I wrote the book, since I’m now immersed in all things menopause and the algorithm seems to think I’m interested in spending my hard-earned money on things to ‘restore’ my youthful figure. It’s such bullshit.
It's bullshit not only because I can fairly confidently say NONE of this stuff is proven to work. It’s bullshit because it plays into the narrative that bodies must be youthful to be relevant and appealing. Which is simply not true. Bodies change as we get older – with or without menopause. Some of that – if it bothers us – we can do something about, and some of it we are better to accept, with grace if we can, and stop beating ourselves up about it. I really hate it when I hear women negatively talking about their own bodies in ways they would never talk about a friend’s body. I know, it can be tough to see things changing. I’ve experienced this myself. I look at photos of my face even five years ago and think: wow, where did that person go? But if we don’t have a ton of money to spend on surgery, botox and fillers – which I certainly don’t – and we are not celebrities with personal trainers and personal chefs to help us keep our bodies honed and sculpted, or the many hours of time required to train for that, then we have to try - while also looking after ourselves and nurturing our health as much as possible - practicing a bit of self acceptance and self love.
On that note, I interviewed a fascinating woman recently for a story I’ve done for The Listener on female sexual pleasure and desire (coming soon). Her name is Dr Rita Csako; she’s a psychology professor at AUT and a sex therapist, and she has done a lot of research on female pleasure. One of the things she talked to me about, and I did not have space to put into my article, was how important it is to work on accepting our bodies, however they are. Here’s a bit of our conversation that might offer you a challenge: to try spending a bit more time naked.
Rita Csako: “What we are really working towards in [sex] therapy is body acceptance. And what that means is that you are just okay to be who you are in your own body. That helps a lot [with pleasure and desire] because those who have more body acceptance, they feel more confident in social situations. They behave more flirty, they’re a bit more sexy, they might wear more sexy clothing. And then it becomes a bit of a self-fulfilling pathway. Because you're confident, you get more attention. And by the time you arrive in an intimate situation, you are okay to be there.
“But if you have very low body confidence, then your mind will take over… your mind might think oh, from this angle, [my partner] might notice that… and that takes away the pleasure part.
“What I’ve noticed, is that when a woman can make friends with her own body - regardless of what that body looks like…It doesn't need to be a ‘perfect’ body. It's just that you look at yourself in the mirror and you are okay with what you see. You don't need to love it. You don't need to like it. It's even okay if you think hmm, maybe I could go to the gym a bit more.. that's okay. The problem is when people avoid looking at themselves in the mirror because they don't like what they see.
Niki: So what can we do - if a woman's feeling like she doesn't love her body. Is there anything that someone else can do? Or is it an internal thing?
RC: “I think that you can always go to a professional. There are plenty of psychologists and counselors specializing in body image. If someone needs help, that's a good start. But on the other hand, as I say, just make friends. How would you make friends with someone else? Make friends with your body like that.
“For one person it might work that they look at themselves in the mirror and practice mindfulness, you know: mindfully observing your body without judgment. It creates a completely different experience because if there's no judgment, you take away the anxiety and the fear.
“When you are not trying to avert your gaze in front of the mirror, when you are in the mirror and you are okay to look at yourself naked… I would absolutely encourage people to spend some time naked at home at least. And saying okay, that's your body. This is what we look like including our genitals, our boobs, everything. It's part of our body.
NB: It brings to mind actually that movie with Emma Thompson - Leo Grande. And there's that wonderful scene at the end where she just looks at herself in the mirror.
RC: “Yes. And that's it pretty much. If people can get to that point that you can stand in front of the mirror and you are not judging it; not because you wanna figure out how to change it or what to change, just simply looking at it and accepting it.”
It’s a big ask, but I think Rita speaks some wise words, there. The weather favours being naked right now… so how about it?
Menopause in the news
There’s been more and more stuff in the media lately about menopause and I am here for it. I don’t care if people (even the legend who is Kim Hill) think we should shut up about it. I think we’ve been shutting up about it for thousands of years and now’s the time to talk. So: here are some interesting pieces you might have missed:
Just last week, the New York Times covered what you’ll likely know, if you’ve read my book – we have been pretty misinformed about HRT for decades. This very good and satisfyingly long article covers a lot of what’s in my chapter on HRT – and makes the valid point (also made by me) that if this shit were happening to men, it would not stand. Here’s a quote:
About 85 percent of women experience menopausal symptoms. Rebecca Thurston, a professor of psychiatry at the University of Pittsburgh who studies menopause, believes that, in general, menopausal women have been underserved — an oversight that she considers one of the great blind spots of medicine. “It suggests that we have a high cultural tolerance for women’s suffering,” Thurston says. “It’s not regarded as important.”
Also recently published:
Welcome to the Menopause Gold Rush
Yes, surprise: companies are diving in to offer women costly ‘solutions’ both proven and unproven, to help with menopause. I’ve opined on this on my Instagram if you feel like more of a rant!
And lastly here are couple written by me, published last week:
5 ways to make your workplace more menopause friendly (Stuff)
This has some practical tips for people running businesses to get on board with menopause awareness, education and policy (all of which I can help you with, btw).
“You might think menopause is a trend at the moment, the latest thing in diversity, equity and inclusion and wellbeing in workplaces.
Maybe you’re feeling like this is something you need to tick off the list to make sure you’re keeping up. You might think interest and chatter around menopause is probably going to fizzle out at some point soon.
I’m here to tell you that’s not going to happen. Like mental health, menopause has been shrouded in silence, secrecy, ignorance – and, yes, shame – for centuries.
Now a new generation of women is hitting midlife and we’re not prepared to accept that outdated status quo. That goes double for the millennials and Gen-Zers coming after us. We want to talk about it, and we want to feel supported.”
And another slight rant (sorry, this newsletter is getting a bit like that!) about the attitude that’s sneaking out from, I’m sorry to say, older women, that we are all making too much noise about menopause and should just shut up and get on with it.
I do not subscribe to that theory. And I told The Spinoff all about it. It was hard disagreeing with Kim Hill (who is a total legend). But it had to be done. Read more here:
Why I won’t shut up about menopause
That’s it from me for now. Thank you so much for your support, and please feel free to share the love by passing this newsletter on to others who you think might enjoy it. And don’t forget if you’re thinking about furthering the menopause kōrero in your workplace or community group, I’m available for talks. And I can also help with workplace menopause policy - more on my website.
Off to take my clothes off!
NB