Are you doing menopause wrong?

... and why we need fewer 'shoulds' in our lives

“There are too many ‘shoulds’ in my life”, I wailed to my trainer, Kyra, yesterday. It was following a conversation with her and my training partner Keith; Keith had told us about a study he read about on intramuscular fat in humans; it’s dangerous and hidden and the way to lower it, apparently, is to do jump squats regularly.

I believe the only point of jump squats is to cause a person to lose the will to live. I won’t be doing them for my intramuscular fat. I saw this new advice as just another ‘should’ to add to my life as a menopausal woman, and frankly I don’t need any more of those. I have too many ‘shoulds’.

It’s because I’m immersed in the Meno-verse for my work, I guess. But my Instagram feed (my social media of choice; I haven’t been active on Facebook in years and I DO NOT miss it) is filled with stuff about how to menopause.

You know all this stuff: what exercise to do; what exercise you MUST NOT do; what to eat; what hormone therapy is right or not right; the mistakes menopausal women are making; the things doctors get wrong about menopause; what all healthy women do in menopause; what all women need to know about menopause; what ‘they’ are not telling you about menopause.

Then there’s the even worse, grifty stuff: how to melt your meno-belly; the supplements every woman needs in menopause; the faux podcast diet plans; the chiropractors confidently doling out nutrition advice; the people insisting hormones can be ‘balanced’ with the right diet and exercise and mindfulness and oh yes, my 12-day programme. The influencers who look amazing and ripped and can deadlift a hundred kg and who insist that you can, too, if you track your food and achieve your macros and lift heavy and walk 10,000 steps and do yoga and jumping and sprint training and yes, on top of that please make sure you rest and recover.

And then there’s all the expert stuff. Genuine experts; people with careers in science and research and gynaecology and sports science and endocrinology. They have amazing and useful advice to offer but it can sometimes feel inaccessible or unachievable as a normal woman with a life and a job and commitments… I think it would be a full-time job just to do all the things that some of the experts recommend we should do, on top of our actual jobs.

It’s no surprise then that we might feel overwhelmed by all the menopause content, to the point of paralysis. It can really make you feel like you are doing menopause wrong. It can feel like: if I can’t do all these things, what’s the point of doing anything at all?

Confession time: I feel like this too! And I have written two books on menopause, and I think I have a pretty good handle on the evidence, existing and emerging, which I keep up with . I genuinely do try and practice the advice I have shared and the things I have learned in my own research. But I can’t do it all, all of the time. I just can’t. And also: I don’t want to! I don’t want my whole existence to be about eating protein and tracking my steps.

Menopause Instagram... what are we doing wrong today?

So on one hand, all this information is great. Who would've thought that we would now have an overload of information, five or six years ago? That’s when I started researching my first menopause book… and back then NO ONE was posting on Instagram about menopause. At least no one I followed. So we have come a long way in a short time. Bloody great.

But it is a double-edged sword… and it does feel familiar to me from the years I spent working and writing about nutrition. The narratives are similar. The marketing goldrush is similar. And the squabbling over who is right and who is wrong is similar, though probably that’s enhanced now event more.

Just as with nutrition content, much of the menopause stuff I’m seeing now on the socials is not super nuanced. It doesn’t really acknowledge that the experience of peri/menopause is different for every single woman. Our bodies are different, yes, but also we don’t all have the same 24 hours in a day. We don’t all have the same family situation; the same cultural context; the same economic situation or the same access to information and care. Some things, for some people, are hard.

So here’s a reminder: you are OK, and it’s good practice to be kind to yourself. You are NOT doing menopause wrong if you are not doing all of the things that everyone says you should be doing on social media. Remember: your body is not a project.

How about we banish the word ‘should’ from our vocabularies? Wouldn’t that be good? Let’s just stop saying it, and when we see people posting that we should be doing whatever thing - instead of panicking, we step back or scroll on?

Yes, there are tons of things we can do for our health in midlife and menopause that are evidence-based, that will help us to be healthier and to feel better as we get older. I have written and posted about lots of them, and I’ll keep doing that.

But you’re not a bad person if you’re not doing them all! And don’t feel like just because you can’t do all of the things, you’re wasting your time and missing out and dooming yourself to an unhealthy old age.

Give yourself a break and just do what you can. Do what makes you feel good, and forget about the rest.

It’s also a pretty good practice to periodically unfollow anyone who's making you feel bad about yourself. Whatever they’re posting. Seriously. Life is too short.

And I am here to sift through it all and bring you a steer on what’s worth paying attention to, where I can.

I’m off to spend the weekend dressing up and immersing myself in the joy of the Art Deco Festival. I won’t be doing any workouts or tracking my macros or avoiding any foods. I will be enhancing my life, however.

See you soon!