Thank you for sharing your thinking on this. Alex’s story is so good - I have been thinking about this topic a lot, partly because I have a young colleague who tells me all about her ‘tweakments’, including what she’s planning to have next and what hasn’t worked as she desired. She’s about 24, less than half my age. This worries me for all sorts of reasons (including vain ones, like does she look at me and think, ‘jeez you’re a haggard old bird’?) Hard not to judge either way, isn’t it?
I’m not sure it is just a Western thing; I’m in South Korea at the moment and everything, everywhere, all at once is about improving one’s appearance (including for men).
When I was in Auckland a couple of months ago, looking for something to eat at Commercial Bay, I noted a series of nail bars, lash bars, waxers, hairdressers etc, and felt that the overall message is that to be a woman is to need ‘improvement’ in some way but it’s sold to us as ‘self-care’. That sickens me.
I read something recently that described all this - the female upkeep, the beauty standards, the maintenance - as "unpaid labour" and that really sums it up for me. More of our time (as well as a tonne of cash) for what? Being allowed to claim our place in the world? Meet utterly fabricated "beauty" standards? Why aren't we allowed to age? Whhhhy??
I too am 54 and recognise my Gen X experience in everything you wrote. I also read Alex’s article this morning. Thanks for writing this so we can all remember getting older IS a privilege and how amazing to have that life in vivid detail etched into our faces. I love seeing that in other women and hope more women can continue to resist the patriarchal bs.
Amen! I turned 50 this year and feel better (body mind spirit) than I did in my 30s, so however that wants to show up on my face sans injections, I’m in. 🙏
1. I got Botox a handful of times (I’m 64 and got it a few times the last year and a half) and I liked the effect. I’ve probably had worry lines since age 15. I also talked to my doctor about the evidence that it lessens depression. Because I can certainly use any help I can get there. My doctor said that she personally has found that it helps (she’s 48) and that there is some intriguing research supporting that. I canceled my last Botox appointment. In April I had a severe, life-threatening illness and I just didn’t care that much about my appearance any more. I’d rather spend my money on other things. That may change but right now I just can’t be bothered.
2. I used to dye my hair in my early 50s but quit after a few years. I think that it looks particularly harsh and artificial in brunette shades, and my hair was very dark. I played with a lighter shade but my husband didn’t like it. And yes, I care what he thinks. He didn’t like my tat either. On Facebook (which I ended up leaving a few months ago) I posted an observation that most affluent Asian women my age seem to dye their hair shoe polish black. I married into a South Asian family and was in Malaysia when I made the post. This post got more responses, more emotion-laden comments, than any of my political posts. One woman even blocked me for being “unsupportive.” Obviously I touched a nerve.
3. A well-known writer on Substack, a woman in her 70s, posted a piece on her recent facelift. It cost $30,000. I admire her for her honesty and bravery writing about her motivation and the experience. And I support that women should do what they want with their own money. But it also made me sad because it seemed that many of us can’t escape the misery of being judged by our appearance, whether others do it or we do it ourselves. Lately I have been practicing making friends with my 64 year old face. It helps when I tell myself I look better now than I will at age 70, if I make it there.
I'm 59, and have never had or wanted to have any cosmetic appearance procedures - but last month I did have a tiny bit of Botox just above my brows. I chose a provider who doesn't overdo anything, no frozen shiny forehead, no inflated lips, just minor adjustments. I like the (minor) difference it has made, but whether I'll keep it up, I'm not sure. PS: another friend gets botox for her migraines, so it's not always a cosmetic thing.
Thank you for sharing your thinking on this. Alex’s story is so good - I have been thinking about this topic a lot, partly because I have a young colleague who tells me all about her ‘tweakments’, including what she’s planning to have next and what hasn’t worked as she desired. She’s about 24, less than half my age. This worries me for all sorts of reasons (including vain ones, like does she look at me and think, ‘jeez you’re a haggard old bird’?) Hard not to judge either way, isn’t it?
I’m not sure it is just a Western thing; I’m in South Korea at the moment and everything, everywhere, all at once is about improving one’s appearance (including for men).
When I was in Auckland a couple of months ago, looking for something to eat at Commercial Bay, I noted a series of nail bars, lash bars, waxers, hairdressers etc, and felt that the overall message is that to be a woman is to need ‘improvement’ in some way but it’s sold to us as ‘self-care’. That sickens me.
I read something recently that described all this - the female upkeep, the beauty standards, the maintenance - as "unpaid labour" and that really sums it up for me. More of our time (as well as a tonne of cash) for what? Being allowed to claim our place in the world? Meet utterly fabricated "beauty" standards? Why aren't we allowed to age? Whhhhy??
Not just unpaid, but labour that costs us!!
Yes!
I too am 54 and recognise my Gen X experience in everything you wrote. I also read Alex’s article this morning. Thanks for writing this so we can all remember getting older IS a privilege and how amazing to have that life in vivid detail etched into our faces. I love seeing that in other women and hope more women can continue to resist the patriarchal bs.
Amen! I turned 50 this year and feel better (body mind spirit) than I did in my 30s, so however that wants to show up on my face sans injections, I’m in. 🙏
Three things:
1. I got Botox a handful of times (I’m 64 and got it a few times the last year and a half) and I liked the effect. I’ve probably had worry lines since age 15. I also talked to my doctor about the evidence that it lessens depression. Because I can certainly use any help I can get there. My doctor said that she personally has found that it helps (she’s 48) and that there is some intriguing research supporting that. I canceled my last Botox appointment. In April I had a severe, life-threatening illness and I just didn’t care that much about my appearance any more. I’d rather spend my money on other things. That may change but right now I just can’t be bothered.
2. I used to dye my hair in my early 50s but quit after a few years. I think that it looks particularly harsh and artificial in brunette shades, and my hair was very dark. I played with a lighter shade but my husband didn’t like it. And yes, I care what he thinks. He didn’t like my tat either. On Facebook (which I ended up leaving a few months ago) I posted an observation that most affluent Asian women my age seem to dye their hair shoe polish black. I married into a South Asian family and was in Malaysia when I made the post. This post got more responses, more emotion-laden comments, than any of my political posts. One woman even blocked me for being “unsupportive.” Obviously I touched a nerve.
3. A well-known writer on Substack, a woman in her 70s, posted a piece on her recent facelift. It cost $30,000. I admire her for her honesty and bravery writing about her motivation and the experience. And I support that women should do what they want with their own money. But it also made me sad because it seemed that many of us can’t escape the misery of being judged by our appearance, whether others do it or we do it ourselves. Lately I have been practicing making friends with my 64 year old face. It helps when I tell myself I look better now than I will at age 70, if I make it there.
I'm 59, and have never had or wanted to have any cosmetic appearance procedures - but last month I did have a tiny bit of Botox just above my brows. I chose a provider who doesn't overdo anything, no frozen shiny forehead, no inflated lips, just minor adjustments. I like the (minor) difference it has made, but whether I'll keep it up, I'm not sure. PS: another friend gets botox for her migraines, so it's not always a cosmetic thing.